*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
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Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
I put the mess in domestic.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please