Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
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Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
dads on road-trips be like
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice