I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
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My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Breaking news:
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.