I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
You Might Also Like
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
😂😂😂
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
i choose….tongue
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.