I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
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there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
*puts my mental health in rice
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.