I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
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I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?