[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.