Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
I see your IQ test came back negative
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.