In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
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They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Why I divorced her.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.