it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
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Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Salad is the decaf of food.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”