Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
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Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*