I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
love it when they get my name right
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you