What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
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It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
San Francisco has too many rules
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.