How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
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robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Breakfast for Stoners:
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds