<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
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Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!