can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
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I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.