WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest