I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks