I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
You Might Also Like
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Good news
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist