“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
accurate
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Merica.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one