Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
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COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good