Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
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“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.