Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
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me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
🛁
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.