Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
You Might Also Like
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
So inspired right now.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby