Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
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I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year