Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
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Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
I am all good here, 😂😉
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.