If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
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me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!