{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
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I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Whoa… oh I see lol
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.