Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
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North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…