Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
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Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I hope they boil the right one.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy