[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
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Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
How to wake up a Beagle
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON