I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out