5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
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At least my masseuse has my back.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard