My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
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Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday