*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
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I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?