Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
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“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us