Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
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If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.