I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
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[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.