During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
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therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet