Cake safety first. Always.
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Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.