Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
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Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
me hooking up with my ex
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
i will avenge u mr van gogh