I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
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My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers