just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
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According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
LA today:
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.