Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
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I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.