Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
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My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
gm
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Spell check is for lasers.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER