Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
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My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…