My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
And that about sums it up.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.