god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
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Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
finally found a reasonable question
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly