Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
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And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
quarantine day 3
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.