Heroic Misunderstanding
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Why is this me 😫
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.